Entry #5 How To Disappear (but not completely)

Absent is he that burned my seek.
In my light he shall keep.

Entry #4 Wake Me Up When April Ends

Sickened by the sweet scent of Lavendar breeding in the air this spring has neared. My eyes dance about the nothings in the black. Up all night without a rhyme or reason for the pitchfork that jams itself in the back of my head. Tiptoe out of this church that keep me prisoner and out onto the unconscious lawn and underneath 3 AM. The dampness moists my bare feet.
Sitting curbside I falsey inhale blue smoke dancing beneath my nose. Who is he that stands so near but is too blind to visual me? Suits me fine - for now. This could lead to somewhere I need to be- or shouldn't be. I wont take the gamble of my acute curiousness. He is not for me and I am not for him. How dare he turn and ask of my locket dancing from my neck; offer a drag of his cigarette that he raises calmly to and from his lips; allow the moonlight to rape his skin, kissing its shadows and stars shine in his eyes? Go back to your cell of your nightmares, its alot easier to face. Or digest. I can't decide. For me or him.
The lavendar snakes my throat. He sees me. He's alive. So am I, even if its for a moment. These four walls wont make me fine.

Entry 3: The Opposite Of Stars Is All I Ever Are

I cannot be anything else but other than what I am. If that makes me lifeless and empty to some and useful to others then here I shall stay. Here with the worms in the earth or with the birds in the sky, take your pick, I'm still deciding on mine. What's left of me shall be yours for the taking. Or dissceting. Whatever fascinates you the most. No pages of wit or reason can fufil the need for others to compare me. I am not them; never will be them; nor like them. They are vermon that fills my veins unwelcomedly. If I am never that girl of your dreams, your enemy, your wife, your one night stand, your confidante, your lifeline, drug of choice, sunshine, I will not hold that against you. But I may hold it against myself. If I stay here. Alone. But I'm not that girl either.
I am not perfect but I am perfect for being me. Inside my head, with the living. Outside with the dead. From my own private prison that I created and only let you in when I feel like it. When I need it. Need to. But you don't nuture me. I don't need you. Or do I.
I like your smile. It makes me smile. If I didn't see it everyday, somehow, I may sufforcate. I want to lie under the stars with you if you want to lie under the stars with me. I'm not perfect but this is all I have. I'll wait for you if you'll wait for me.